Chapter 140

The next morning, I woke only slightly groggy. The doctor at the urgent care didn’t suspect a concussion, but Asher continued to wake me every few hours through the night just to be sure.

My head did ache something fierce though, and a look in the mirror showed a nasty bruise on my forehead.

Asher stirred from where he’d piled a pillow and blanket on the floor. I’d offered to share the bed but ever since the diagnosis he had been treating me like I was made of glass.

I ignored him, just as I ignored the many unread messages on my phone. Everyone had checked in overnight: Aimee, Nicole, Nancy, even Irene. I didn’t want to talk to anyone until this was over.

I grabbed some clothes from my drawers and went to the communal bathroom down the hall to shower and change. When I returned, I covered my bruise in makeup, before fixing up the rest of my face.

Asher was awake by then, and sat on the edge of the bed, looking out the window. He didn’t say a word to me when I came into the room, and remained quiet now.

I knew I should probably have sent him away. But his presence, even when he disagreed with what I was doing, was a steady comfort.

When I finished getting ready, I stood and walked to the door. Asher stood too and met me there.

“Cynthia,” he said, the first time he’d spoken all morning.

“Yes?”

I watched with wide eyes as he dropped into a crouch in front of me. Holding me by the hips, he leaned in and pressed a soft, barely-there kiss to my bulging stomach.

My whole heart melted.

“For luck,” he whispered. Then he pressed his cheek to my waist and stayed there a while.

How could I have ever thought that he hated the baby? He obviously cared for the baby very much.

This had to be hurting him. I hated myself.

I wished he could understand that I didn’t have any choice.

I combed my fingers through his hair, brushing it back from his face. He had a constant windblown look, somewhat wild. I loved that about him.

I loved everything about him.

Slowly, he rose back to his feet. Then he leaned in and kissed me on the temple. “For luck,” he said again, and my chest grew tight.

He didn’t just care about the baby, he cared about me too.

“May I walk you there?” he asked. He wouldn’t be allowed into the exam itself, but he could walk me to the door.

“Okay,” I said, suddenly feeling less sure with my decision.

Holding my hand, Asher led me from the dormitory and toward the auditorium.

Rather than the gymnasium where we practiced, the qualifying exams themselves took place on stage, with the panel of judges in the seats below. Those that were waiting for their turn made up the audience.

At the entrance of the auditorium, Asher stopped and turned to me. He didn’t say anything, and his face was blank. But I could see the uncertainty and hint of fear raging in his blue eyes, like a storm over a summer’s day.

“I’ll be careful,” I said.

He nodded.

Before releasing my hand, he brought it to his mouth and kissed my knuckles one by one. Each gentle press of his lips made me question myself more and more.

Why was I hurting him? Why was I hurting myself?

Why would I risk the child we were growing to adore?

Closing my eyes, I steeled myself. I knew the answer to those questions: my future.

Asher pulled me into a hug and I eagerly fell against him. I felt so safe in his arms. Like this, I could almost convince myself that I was anywhere else on the planet about to do anything else but what I was about to.

I knew, deep within my soul, that if I went through with this, if something happened to the baby, that moments like this with Asher would never be the same. He might stand by me as he promised, but… I didn’t know how he could ever look at me the same way.

How would I look at myself?

I whispered goodbye to Asher, and pulled myself away. I walked into the auditorium and didn’t look back.

The judges arranged the qualifying exams in order of first come, first serve. Since I hadn’t been the first to arrive, my exam was scheduled for mid-morning. We weren’t allowed to leave, however, so I found a place in the audience and waited.

Nicole spotted me when she entered. She was behind me in line, so likely wouldn’t perform until after me. She noticed the empty seat beside me and started for it. But when I shook my head at her, she paused.

She frowned.

I shook my head again, confirming that I wanted to be alone.

She wanted to talk me out of doing this exam. I could see it in the tense straightness of her posture, and the determination in her eyes.

If I let her sit beside me, if I let her try to convince me, she might succeed.

I couldn’t take that chance.

At my second head shake, she looked sad, but respected my wishes. She sat down instead on the other side of the auditorium.

With each passing hour, each minute, each second, my resolve shook down to its core.

I watched the rest of my team perform their exams one after the next. Some were better than others, but everyone gave their all. No one else had to worry about harming their baby. They just went out, did their best, and that was that.

I seemed to be the only one having a crisis outside of general nerves.

When my name was called, I froze. They had to call it twice more, before I rose from my seat and began the long trek onto the stage.

My feet reached the stairs before I was ready, and too soon, I walked across the middle of the stage and faced the judges and my fellow cheerleaders in the audience.

“Are you ready, Cynthia?” one of the judges asked through a microphone.

I wasn’t. Not at all. “Yes.”

“Lilith?” I reached out for comfort, but my wolf was silent. Maybe she was already concentrating. She would never recover if something happened to the baby. I knew that.

There were no right answers here. I risked my future, or I risked everyone I cared about.

Over the speakers, my selected music began to play. I knew by heart where my dance was supposed to begin.

But when the time came, I couldn’t move my feet.

After thirty seconds or so of me standing frozen on the stage, the music cut out.

“Cynthia?” the judge said. “It is okay to be nervous, but we have a tight schedule. We will start the music once more with no penalty, but you must move. Do you understand?”

I didn’t trust my voice anymore, so I nodded instead.

“Very good,” the judge said, then cut off her microphone.

I had been preparing for this moment for ten years. This single moment right here would determine the trajectory of my entire life.

I should have been willing to risk it all. My baby. My wolf. My almost-boyfriend.

But…

The music started again.

I should have been willing to risk it all, but I wasn’t.

I wasn’t.

Suddenly, I stepped forward and shouted, “Stop!”