Chapter 139

I still hadn’t decided what to do, even by the night before the qualifying exam. I skipped all of the cheerleading practices, taking time to rest as Nancy had suggested. She hadn’t been pleased by my lack of commitment to quitting the qualifying exam.

Neither had Asher, though he hadn’t openly said anything. He sat with me now in my dorm room as the time for my final choice drew precariously near. I would have to decide by the morning.

Did I risk the baby? Or did I let go of my dreams and accept that I would need to drop out of school?

Asher was quiet most of the time he was with me. I knew he worried. With the way he kept glancing at my stomach, his preferred outcome was clear.

“Asher,” I said, when I caught him looking again.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s your choice.”

I wanted him to be honest with me. “If you had to choose…”

He looked at me. “Are you sure you want me to answer that?”

“I won’t be angry,” I said.

He closed his eyes. “I’d give anything to keep that baby safe.”

I nodded, expecting him to say as much. He couldn’t understand what I was going through. Asher was the son of an Alpha who showed Alpha tendencies. If he dropped out of school, he’d still have options.

I wouldn’t have any. I had no idea what would happen to me. I couldn’t go home. My parents would undoubtedly kick me out when they learned I was pregnant. Then where would I be? No money, no place to stay, no future for me or my child.

“I’ll be with you no matter what,” Asher said. I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t sure he knew what saying something like that truly meant. Would he drop out of school to get a job to help support me?

How could I ask him to do something like that?

But… there was always the chance, however slight, that everything would be fine. It was only one exam, and then I could focus fully on my health and my baby.

“Lilith,” I reached out for my wolf in my mind.

She answered, like she’d just been waiting for me and already knew what I wanted to ask. “I don’t know if I can protect the baby. It is frustrating, being so uncertain. But this position the baby is in… it’s odd. I don’t know how to shield it without damaging it further.”

“Maybe… if we practiced?” I said.

“…Maybe.” Lilith seemed hesitant.

“You alright?” Asher asked from my bedside.

“Yeah. Just checking in with Lilith.”

“Anything new?” Asher asked.

“No.” I couldn’t tell him about the plan I was beginning to concoct. I knew he wouldn’t approve.

Still, the next time he excused himself to go to the bathroom, I grabbed my duffle bag of workout gear and snuck out of my dorm room. I walked steadily but briskly down the stairs and out into the evening air. I kept pace until I reached the dance studio.

Many of the rooms were crowded tonight, with dancers perfecting their routines before the exams tomorrow. It took me some time to find an empty room. When I did, I quickly changed, and readied my music.

I knew I wouldn’t have much time before Asher tracked me down. He was probably on his way here already. That I would have any time to practice at all was a miracle.

“Ready, Lilith?” I asked.

“I’m not so sure about this,” Lilith said.

“This is the only way to test how much you’ll be able to protect the baby.”

Lilith was silent a moment. Then she said, “Fine. But you must stop when I say. Do you promise?”

What could I do but agree? “I promise.”

I started the music. I’d practiced this routine so much by now that my body likely could have performed the steps without me having to think about it at all. Only, this time, the steps were much harder to reach, with the way my stomach lurched.

I stumbled.

“Cynthia…” Lilith warned, but didn’t say stop.

“Keep going,” I said, and pushed onward. I had to test the limits, to see if this was definitely impossible or not.

I kicked and twirled. I even jumped and landed without issue. Everything seemed to be going fine, until I stretched a twist too far, and my stomach dropped.

“Stop!” Lilith cried. I felt her reach through my body, protecting the baby. It shifted me off balance, and I tumbled onto the ground. Lilith softened the fall for my stomach. I did too, cradling my waist. This, however, left my head unprotected, and I smacked my forehead off the floorboards.

“Cynthia!” Asher called from the doorway and hurried inside. He rolled me onto my back and up into his arms.

“I’m okay,” I said, weakly shoving against him.

“You hit your head.” He inspected it. “You might have a concussion.”

“I feel fine.” My head did hurt, as did my stomach, to a lesser extent. But mostly, I felt so tired.

Asher shook me. “Hey, you can’t go to sleep now. We have to make sure you are okay.”

Lifting me up into his arms, he carried me from the room, leaving behind my duffle bag, and took me all the way to an urgent care to check if I had a concussion.

“You are overreacting,” I tried to tell him, as we sat in the waiting room.

“Let me do this,” he said, with little room for argument. In a way, I understood. He had no control of my decision over what to do about my baby and the exam. Making certain I didn’t have a concussion was the only thing he could control.

I let him have it. “Okay.” I held his hand tightly, hoping he could see this as the olive branch it was.

We weren’t fighting. Not really. But I knew he didn’t agree with what I planned to do.

Lilith didn’t either. “You have to back out. We absolutely cannot compete tomorrow.”

“We have to,” I told her in my mind. “It’s only one more day. The baby will be fine, and we will be through it.”

Lilith said bluntly, “Cynthia. At this rate, we won’t pass the exam even if we participate. Why risk the baby for what will surely be a failure?”

I couldn’t believe Lilith of all people was saying this. Didn’t she know more than anyone of the things I’d suffered to be given this chance? How could she ask me not to see it through?

“We love this baby,” Lilith said. “This is not worth the risk.”

“It’s only one more day,” I said again, for her and for me.

I couldn’t be dissuaded from this path. Not after everything.

We’d push through. We’d finish the exam. We’d pass. The baby would be fine.

Asher squeezed my hand.

He said he wouldn’t judge me no matter what I decided but I couldn’t believe that. Truthfully, when I let myself think about it, I judged myself too. What kind of monster would risk her child so she could stay in school?

The answer? The kind who didn’t have any other choices.

“You aren’t a monster,” Lilith said, having listened to my thoughts. “If you do this tomorrow, I will do my very best to protect you both. But…”

I swallowed hard. “No matter what happens, I won’t hold it against you.”

She didn’t seem satisfied exactly, but she did fall quiet.

That Lilith would forgive me was a comfort. Asher likely would too, eventually.

But would I ever forgive myself? That wasn’t so clear.