Chapter 136

I stood frozen, unable to move, even to flee like I really wanted to. I had worried Asher wouldn’t be able to let my silly comment about Joseph go, so I had decided to follow him, to stop him before he could get into another fight.

I hadn’t thought I would hear him tell Joseph that he didn’t love me.

It hurt far more than it had any right to. Asher and I had never discussed such deep-rooted feelings. I knew he cared for me. And he desired me sexually. Love was never on the table.

But to hear him say it.

And for him to say it to Joseph.

I was embarrassed. I felt like I’d been caught, and I was ashamed. Did he know that I loved him? Why didn’t he just let me down gently? Why let me get my hopes up?

Why would he tell Joseph and not me?

“Cynthia,” Asher said, a bit breathless. Was he embarrassed too? Maybe he never meant for me to find out.

I turned from him. I wasn’t going to discuss this here, in front of Joseph.

Asher must have agreed. He walked to me. “Come to my room,” he said, and continued past me.

I could have just blown him off and gone home. But I loved him. I guessed I was a glutton for punishment. Even knowing he didn’t love me back, I still wanted to spend time with him.

So I followed him out of the lounge, and down the hall to his dorm room. He held open the door for me and closed it behind me. Then he turned to me, his face stern and serious.

“Cynthia, I –”

“It’s okay, Asher.” I didn’t want to hear him say he didn’t love me again. “You can’t help how you feel, and I never expected you to… want me… like that.”

I wrapped my arms around myself, offering myself a small shred of comfort. It wasn’t enough.

“You can feel however you want. It’s fine,” I said.

“Cynthia, if you would just let me explain.”

“What is there to say?” I asked. “I heard enough.” Blinking back the tears, I focused on the wall over his shoulder instead of his face. “And I’m telling you it’s fine.”

“It’s not!” Huffing, Asher threw his hands in the air, revealing an unusual burst of frustration. “I’m so sick of this. Every time I feel like we are getting somewhere, Joseph shows up and ruins everything. I wish you’d never crossed paths with that asshole.”

I was already hurt, even though I tried to hide it, so his words cut through me deeper than they otherwise would have. I knew, in my heart, that he hated Joseph and the trouble he caused, but all I could feel in that moment was that Asher hated my baby.

“That asshole gave me this baby,” I snapped. “If I’d never met him, then I’d never have this. But maybe that’s what you are truly mad about.”

Immediately, his posture changed, anger vanishing. He must have realized his mistake.

“If I wasn’t pregnant, you wouldn’t have to waste so much time with me,” I said. Each word stung my in my chest.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Asher said. “You know I didn’t.”

Maybe I did, but I was too hurt to turn back now. “Joseph will always be a part of my life, don’t you see? Whether or not he’s an asshole, whether he tries to mess with us or not, he is the father of my baby. I will never be rid of him. But you can be…”

“Cynthia, no.” Asher stepped toward me, but I stepped back, maintaining distance.

“You don’t have to stay with me, Asher.” Tears fell now, and I hated each and every one for the weakness it revealed. “You don’t have to deal with Joseph anymore. You just have to leave me alone.”

“If you would let me talk –”

“I heard enough!” I said, rushing to his door. “Just leave me alone!”

I half-expected him to chase me, but with those final words, I knew he wouldn’t. He would respect what he thought were my wishes, even if those wishes came from a place of pain and defensiveness.

Truly, I wanted him to hold me and let me cry. I wanted him to tell me he didn’t mean what he told Joseph, or what he said.

But I hated myself for wanting that.

We were something, but we weren’t a real couple.

Maybe this was the inevitability I had been running from. Maybe it was better to face it now than to draw it out further.

So, alone, I ran back to my room and cried into my pillow.

I missed Asher immediately. I checked my phone all night but he never texted me.

I didn’t text him either.

The next day, I dragged myself, half-exhausted, to cheerleading practice. The trainers had us work on a new group routine. None of the girls commented when I took my spot in the back row, although a few cast me dirty looks.

Since I had told them I was pregnant, they now knew the reason I hid in the back. They watched me like vultures circling a thirsty animal in the desert.

The minute I made any mistake, I heard about it from three different girls, and the trainers when they overheard.

Maybe they were just being critical, since one person’s mistake would count against the whole in a competition. But I couldn’t help but feel like they were purposefully targeting me. Others’ mistakes didn’t receive near as much critique.

“Did you promise you would hold up your own?” one of the cheerleaders said. “Not make us look bad?”

She was crude, but correct. I had promised that.

So I forced myself to work harder, twisting my body more than I was used to. I forced speed into my steps to meet the marks and add more sway to my hips.

I was able to keep the pace for a while, but on the third high-kick into a twist, I stumbled and fell onto the ground.

The trainers blew the whistle, stopping the routine. Everyone turned to face me.

Nicole helped me to my feet. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I lost my footing.”

“It happens,” Nicole said, giving me a gentle smile.

“It happens a lot more with Cynthia,” Elena added, and a few of the girls giggled.

The trainers shushed them. The lead trainer approached me. Once I was steady, Nicole stepped to the side.

“Cynthia, in truth, we have noticed a downward curve in your abilities,” the trainer said. “We’re all trying to pick up the slack, but we need you to deliver.”

“I understand.” My stomach twisted.

“If you are sick or something, you need to take the time to get better,” the trainer said.

“Like the next nine months,” Elena snickered.

Nicole shot her a glare.

The trainer narrowed her eyes. “Cynthia? Do you need to tell me something?”

“No,” I said quickly. “They are just giving me a hard time. I can keep up, I promise.”

“You make a lot of promises,” said another cheerleader.

The trainer shook her head. “Very well. I’m trusting you.”

I nodded. “Thank you,” I said, keeping my voice strong.

Yet as the trainer returned to the center of the gymnasium with the others, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had lied.

That last stumble hadn’t been because of a mistake. My body had physically given out, and I fell.

And this routine was so much easier than the one I had planned for my exams.

Maybe… completing the qualifying exam wasn’t something I could physically do after all.