Chapter 86

Elroy’s POV

The effect of those words was immediate and indescribable. More than guilt, or shame, or horror—it was something that howled through me like a hurricane, ripping me apart and leaving ragged, bloody holes. My body could feel it, and it was as real as any cracking bone.

My ears rang. My vision swam. I stepped back from the door on feet I couldn’t feel.

I couldn’t let Olivia see me like this. That woman, my incredible Mate, was taking much-needed time for herself. She needed this night, and my reaction would only take it from her.

There was a part of me, more poisonous even than my wolf’s fury, that whispered I didn’t deserve the comfort she would offer.

With a shuddering breath, I forced my feet away from the door. I remembered the food when the shopping bag with the ice cream hit against my hip and froze, because this was the one thing Olivia had asked of me and I couldn’t disappoint her again.

Without thinking I placed the boxes and bag on the hallway floor, quickly texting Sam. Come to my hall. Pizza and ice cream are on the floor, take them to Olivia.

Sam, ever perceptive even over text, immediately replies. What’s happened? I swallowed thickly.

It’s personal. Tell her I was held up and sent you instead.

Those three little dots popped up, then went away, then came up again. Sam deleted whatever he’d been typing and just sent, Yes sir.

I let out a rush of breath, a silent relief. I couldn’t handle his sharp scrutiny, not when I was falling apart. Thank you, I texted, already shutting the door of the Ruby Room behind me.

The moment I was back in the dimly lit sanctuary of the Ruby Room, my wolf laid into me.

You bastard! he accused, his rage so potent I could taste it. I warned you—I warned you, and look what you did with that warning!

"I know," I muttered to the empty air, rubbing a hand over my face as I fell to my knees in front of the door. I didn’t deserve to sit on the bed. “I’m driving her away.”

No, my wolf growled relentlessly, you’re breaking her. My breath caught.

“That’s not true,” I said quickly. “She’s too strong—”

You’ve made her question her worth! my wolf roared, and I jerked back as if stung. You made her wonder what she has done wrong. She thinks this is her fault, because you let her think that!

I choked on my breath. Olivia’s voice rang in my ears like an echo I couldn’t escape. “Part of me fears it’s my fault.”

Goddess, my wolf was right. The weight of my shame slammed down on me. You’ve done nothing wrong! I screamed inside my mind, as if I could will her to hear my inner voice. But our bond was still partially formed—she couldn’t feel me.

Why would it solidify? my wolf demanded, pacing restlessly in my mind. How could it, when you make sure she’s always at an arm’s distance from your heart? He was right; I’d assumed it was because Olivia’s wolf was weak after her dormancy, like she’d told me, but hadn’t I felt her Alpha aura just earlier today?

That was not the power of a weak wolf. Something else was in the way—something else kept our souls from meeting on that final bridge.

My mind went straight to silver light, to the faceless, nameless healer. That was the loose end, the roadblock—No, my wolf admonished, the healer isn’t here. The problem is you.

“I don’t want her!” I said aloud. “I want Olivia, my wife, my Mate!” And it meant those words with full conviction, but somewhere still inside my chest was something that told me that was a lie.

It wasn’t, though. I knew that. I had moved on, completely and entirely, from my obsession with the healer, and it was only this one stubborn book that refused to let me wiggle free.

I wanted to pull until the hook ripped out, taking whatever traitorous chunk of me it wanted as long as it was gone. It was like an infected limb, but nothing I did seemed to force the amputation.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just let this go? She was just a healer, someone I’d never even seen let alone met, and sure I owed her a great deal for saving my life, but I didn’t owe her myself.

No, my self was what I owed to Olivia, and I couldn’t fucking give it to her.

“What’s wrong with me?” I choked out, my nose stinging. I hadn’t cried since I’d been hauled out of the tower I’d called my world, but this was going to break me.

I don’t know, my wolf said, the rage finally draining and leaving this terrible nothing in its wake. I don’t know how to fix it.

That did it. I choked on my sob, clasping both hands over my mouth to stay quiet as I hunched over myself. My worst fear was confirmed—I was broken, irreparable, wrong.

Maybe that was the price I paid for the strength of the prophecy. I squeezed my eyes shut against the burning tears. I wasn’t the one who wanted the prophecy fulfilled, so why was I the one who had to pay?

I shook, kneeling on the ground as I cried like a child. I wanted my mother to hold me. I wanted Olivia to hold me, and wasn’t that cruel?

She deserved so much better than this.

Forcing my sobs down to gasps, I stood on wobbly feet and stumbled to the window. Hanging on the wall right beside it was an altar, shining wood with inlaid moonstone and mother of pearl in the pattern of the phases of the moon. I couldn’t just sit here, I had to do something.

I had to fix myself, and if I couldn’t do it then I could only beg the Moon Goddess to do it instead.

I opened the bottom drawer of my nightstand, where long-forgotten offerings lay. I cleaned the altar every Monday—a day sacred to the Moon Goddess—but I realized with twisting guilt how long it had been since the last time I’d actually prayed. Years, probably.

My wolf watched silently as I pulled out a silver incense holder—one that was plain but beloved, because I’d bought it myself with money I’d earned helping an older woman weed her garden as a teenager. I’d had to crush sleeping pills into my father’s drink to sneak out from under his watchful eye, but it was the only money I’d ever made that wasn’t tied to this damn family. In some ways it was the only thing I truly owned.

As I set it reverently on the altar, I wondered if explaining this situation to Olivia would help. At least then she would understand that the distance isn’t her fault, but my own failing. But the thought of her reaction…

I remembered the look on her face when she thought I was cheating on her with Rita, the pain and betrayal and—and heartbreak that had caused her. Of course it had; cheating was a deal-breaker for anyone, but after what Damian did to her it was especially sore. Of course telling her there was a woman between us would hurt her.

We’d developed so much trust, became stronger as a couple, she’d placed more faith in me than before. Betrayal would hurt even worse now, and the fact that I didn’t even know this woman would only twist the knife further. She deserved the truth from me, and I wanted to give it to her, but I couldn’t see a way to do it that wouldn’t break us all over again.

The memory of Olivia's pain when she thought I had been unfaithful with Rita clawed at me, a reminder of the scars Damian had left on her heart. To bring up another woman now, especially one shrouded in mystery and deep-seated emotion, would only twist the knife further.

The incense stick sparked to life with a hiss, its aroma weaving through the air of the Ruby Room. I settled onto my knees, the rough carpet biting into my skin, and closed my eyes. Smoke curled like ethereal tendrils, carrying my silent prayer upwards.

"Great Moon Goddess," I murmured, choking on a mixture of incense and desperation. "I beg you to sever this tie that binds me to another. Remove this confusing desire, this pull towards the healer that haunts me."

With each word, my chest tightened, a noose of dread constricting around my heart. The thought of facing the healer sent shivers down my spine, not of fear, but of an anticipation I shouldn't be feeling. What if her presence reignited that bond? A connection so deep and undeniable it could make me question everything I felt for Olivia?

"Please," I whispered, almost afraid to speak louder, as if the intensity of my plea might shatter the fragile peace surrounding me. "I choose Olivia, and she chose me. She is my Mate, not some stranger!”

I bowed my head. “Please, remove this thing that keeps me from her. Let me love her, entirely.”

The silence that followed was heavy, oppressive, as if the Goddess herself was withholding her breath, denying me solace. I sought a sign, a whisper of divine guidance. I could feel Her there, but I couldn’t reach Her.

Nothing came. No warmth, no flicker of celestial light—just the stark realization that I was alone in my supplication, and perhaps, in my transgression. My hands clenched into fists, the knuckles whitening as I grappled with the truth.

"I don't want to hurt her," I said to the emptiness, my voice breaking. "Olivia has suffered enough."

And yet, there it lingered—the unnamed fear that when faced with the healer, the fibers of my very soul might unravel and weave themselves around a fate I couldn't control, leaving Olivia, my perfect Luna, out in the cold. My wolf prowled restlessly inside me, echoing my turmoil with a low, mournful howl.

"Help me," I pleaded once more to the uncaring shadows, the incense smoke now a mocking dance before my eyes. "I know I’m not what she deserves, but I’m what she has. Please.”

The incense burned low, its ember heart glowing weakly against the creeping darkness. Sandalwood hung heavy in the still air, cloying at the edges of my senses. I waited, motionless, the silence wrapping around me like a shroud.

I could feel Her presence, an ethereal weight that was both tangible and ephemeral. The Moon Goddess was there, just beyond the veil of my perception, close enough to touch but refusing to reach out. Her rebuke burned in my throat.

She was telling me I was unworthy of Her blessings, and I was. She had bestowed upon me the gift of a perfect Mate, the perfect Luna in Olivia, and yet here I was, torn by the memory of a girl whose very face remained a mystery.

My fists clenched at my sides, the skin stretching taut over knuckles that ached with the force of my grip. How could I stand before Olivia, the embodiment of loyalty and strength, when these forbidden thoughts continued to haunt me? A growl rumbled in my chest, the only way I knew to express the anger and helplessness I felt.

Olivia deserved better than this—better than a Mate divided by shadows of a past he couldn't escape. My jaw tightened until I feared my teeth might crack under the strain. She should never have to question her place in my heart again, but I was casting doubt where none should exist.

"Forgive me," I whispered to the empty room, my words a futile offering to the Goddess who seemed to have turned her gaze away. But it wasn't her forgiveness I needed most—it was Olivia's.

The ember of the incense flared one last time before succumbing to ash, and I wished I knew how to make these feelings die the same way.