Chapter 97

Karin

The dream flickers away, like a candle blown out. For a moment, I’m filled with terror, afraid that I’ve lost Ansel, but I feel his presence even if I can’t see or hear him. Still, the control and the energy I’m trying to hold on to is quickly fading.

It’s twilight. I’m standing outside the sanitorium. I fight it, but I feel myself slipping into a nightmare redux.

“My son tells me good things about you.”

Sir David looks nothing like Ansel. His hair is gray, his body is imposingly muscular, and his face is weathered and scarred from fights, but it’s the menacing look in his eyes and the hardened expression on his face that’s the real difference.

For once, Ada and are in complete agreement on something - we don’t like him.

Sir David’s eyeing me. I pull my hair around, making sure to hide Ansel’s bite mark on my neck. I nod my head.

“He’s very serious about you,” he says. “Did you know?”

I hesitate. A swallow chirps nearby. There’s no one in sight and he scares me.

Ada jumps in. “What do you want?”

Sir David laughs. When he does, he looks twenty years younger. I see a dimple in his left cheek, reminding me, for the first time, of Ansel.

“Brave girl.” He nods, approvingly.

Part of me relaxes a little, but the other part - the Ada part - stays on-guard and tense.

You can’t trust him.

“I respect that,” he says. “I wish my Ansel had some of your gumption.”

I can’t hide my frown, but at Ada’s insistent shushing, I bite my tongue.

“He tells me you’re going home in a couple of days. All healed up, huh?”

I look at him, stone-faced.

“I’ll let you in on something,” Sir David says. “If all goes according to plan, I’m looking at a very big - hmm… let’s call it a ‘status jump.’ Very soon. And I need for Ansel to come into his own. He can’t sit at home, playing the piano, composing music for you to dance to - lovely ballerina, though you are.”

I feel my cheeks get hot. I lift my chin up. “And what’s wrong with that?”

“I need a son who will fight and be a leader,” Sir David says. “Not an artist. Not a gentle spirit, or a silly boy in love.” He stares directly into my eyes. “I’m asking you to stay away from Ansel. “

I blink. “You want me to break up with him?”

“I’ll make it worth your while,” he says, in a cajoling voice.

“There’s nothing that I want.”

“Typical teenage puppy love.” Sir David adjusts his lapel. “We’ll do this the hard way, then.” His voice is a deep growl.

Ridges of hair stand up on Ada’s back. She’s seconds from fight-mode.

He must see it on my face. He laughs in surprised admiration. “You’re nothing but a pup,” he says. “I like you, Karin. I can see why my son is so smitten with you. My wife is a big fan, too, as a matter of fact. She attends the ballet regularly. You’re practically a household name.”

I wrinkle my forehead. Where’s he going with this?

“I know your backstory. You don’t have a mother - but, you do have a kind father, nurturing a girl on his own, encouraging you as you pursue your dreams.” Sir David narrows his eyes, all good humor totally gone. “It would be terrible if something happened to him.”

My eyes widen and I begin to shake. “You’re - you’re joking.”

Sir David shakes his head. “No, I’m not joking.”

“Then, you’re sick,” I spit out.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” he says. “I have my reasons. Let Ansel live out his life, reach his full potential. One day, you’ll see why this was necessary.”

He leans in, his eyes lit with fire, his teeth barred. Terrified, I back away.

“You get one chance to do this. You’re going to leave by this time tomorrow, and you won’t contact my son again.” His voice is a deep growl.

My whole body is trembling.

“I will kill your father - and you, too, if you get in my way. All I ask is that you go. Break up with him, stomp on his heart, say whatever you need to, but get out of his life - out of the way.”

I open my mouth, but it’s forced closed. He’s staring at me very hard. I feel my throat begin to tighten. I can’t utter a sound. I can’t breathe.

“This,” he says, “Is called a gag spell, Karin.” He draws out the words, enunciating them, as though I were a young child.

I put my hands to my neck. I can feel the vice grip on it, but there’s nothing physical for me to claw at, except myself. I scratch at and dig into the skin of my own neck in desperation.

“You won’t be able to utter a word to Ansel, or anyone else, about this conversation - not ever.”

My neck throbs with pain and my chest starts to burn like it's on fire.

“Believe me now?”

My vision’s beginning to dim. He stands and watches me.

“I could just keep going and kill you.”

His eyes soften. The invisible hands around my neck let go. I fall to my knees, gasping frantically.

“Tomorrow,” he says. “That’s all you get.”

He turns and leaves me, chest still heaving for air.

Ansel finds me on my way back to the girl’s dormitory.

“Psst.”

I turn and see him in the shadows of the corridor. His face is bright. It shatters my heart.

“Came to tell you goodnight,” he says. “But you don’t look okay. What’s wrong?”

In fierce defiance, I try to open my mouth to tell him, but my throat closes again. I can’t even make a squeak before the vice grip is back around my neck.

“Karin?” He puts his hands on my shoulder. I see the scared confusion on his face.

I give in to the spell and feel the grip loosen once more.

I throw myself into Ansel’s arms. He pulls me back, so that he can face me. “Are you okay? What just happened?”

I shake my head. “Nothing. It was nothing.”

He frowns at me. I can tell he’s still scared, and doesn’t believe me.

“Ahem.”

A nurse appears from around the corner out of nowhere, making us both jump. “Alright you two,” she says. Ansel drops his hands and stands up straighter. “Long way from your dormitory, Ansel.”

“Yes, Ms. Rose,” he says, demurred.

“You, Miss, go on to bed. I’ll escort Ansel back.”

Ansel stuffs his hands in his pockets, following her. He looks back at me. His face is still twisted in worry. I force on a smile. He rolls his eyes in the direction of the staff member and gives me a half-smile before they turn down the hall.

I lose the rest of the evening and most of the night thinking about how to get out of this and trying everything I can.

If I can’t say it to Ansel, can I tell someone else? Can I write it down so someone can help me? Can I whisper it, say it aloud just to myself, sing it, draw it? Could I charade it? Nod my head if someone started to guess pieces of it?

The moment I try anything, I’m strangled.

I arrange to go home a day early. My doctor and physical therapist are fine with it. I should spend the day with Ansel, but I can’t face him. I pack up my things to get ready to load into my car.

“So, it’s true.”

I spin around to see Ansel. I’ve said my goodbyes to everyone but him, and I’m halfway to the car, holding my suitcase and purse.

“I heard you’re leaving today. I didn’t believe it, because you would have told me… but here you are.”

I clench my jaw, trying to keep the emotion inside. I say nothing and start walking again.

“Hey,” he says. “What’s going on? Where have you been all day, and why didn’t you tell me you’re going home early?”

Don’t cry, Karin.

He walks in front of me, blocking me. “Just talk to me!” His eyes focus on the scratches all over my neck. “What happened,” he asks, reaching to pull my hair out of the way so he can see.

I jerk away from him. “Nothing.”

“You’re lying.” His eyes are fierce.

Ada is pushing at me, shoving, pawing, clawing.

I don’t have a choice. I won’t let him hurt Dad.

“Get out of my way, Ansel.”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on. Why are you mad at me?” I see the hurt on his face.

My insides start to churn. “I’m breaking up with you.”

Ansel blinks. “Breaking up?” He seems to freeze, in shock.

“Yes,” I say, shoving past him.

He grabs my arm. “I don’t understand what’s going on. What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I say. Tears fill my eyes. “Nothing. It’s me.” I start to cry.

Ansel watches me for a moment, in utter confusion. Then he pulls me to him.

I let him hold me for just a minute, wishing it could last forever. I want to tell him I love him, but I can’t. I have to hurt him. It takes everything in me, but I push him away.

“Stay away from me,” I snarl. I hate myself for it. “I don’t want to see you or talk to you ever again.”

“Karin -“

“No,” I say. “I’m done. I don’t want anything to do with you!”

The devastation is all over his face. I unlock the car.

“Code Blue.”

“Please, Karin.” He looks close to tears. “Why are you doing this?”

Ada is spiraling out of control, like a wild bird beating its wings to death against a cage, feathers flying. I open my mouth, but instantly, I’m strangled.

“Clear!”

“You don’t have to do this,” he says.

I can’t look at him. I pull open the door, throw my bag inside, and get in. I drive as far as I can, without looking back. I force myself to keep going until the grief, the guilt, and the self-loathing hit like a tidal wave I can no longer hold back.

Beeeeeep.