Chapter 70

“Tell me how that makes you feel.”

Ansel folded his arms across his chest. “Very funny. Which part, Aron? The part where I almost strangled Edwin to death? Where I lost all of my father’s support? Coughed up a lung on live television? Or threatened to maim multiple journalists?”

“Yes, yes, yes, and yes.” Aron kicked his feet up onto his desk.

“I’m going to need more than our hour together, then.”

“Try me,” Aron said, putting his arms behind his head.

“Okay.” Ansel sighed. He counted them out with his fingers. “Edwin - not sorry. My father - not sorry. The reporters - I also don’t give a shit.”

“And the TV interview?”

Ansel paused. “Humiliated. Beyond humiliated.”

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere,” Aron said. He looked down to scribble a note.

Ansel leaned away to cough into his shoulder. Then he covered his face in his hands and groaned, exasperated.

“You’re not going to get me sick, are you?” Aron eyed him suspiciously.

“No,” Ansel said. “It’s my own fucked up lungs and immune system. It’s not contagious.”

“Explain to me why you wouldn’t see a doctor about it.”

“I went today,” Ansel said. “Everyone can get off my case now. I have medicine, an inhaler, all of it.”

“Ansel, why the hell did you avoid it till today?”

Ansel began to squirm in his chair. “Because… I don’t want to be who I was before.”

“So you were in denial.”

“No,” Ansel said. “Not exactly. I knew, but I decided to resist it. I’m stronger now. I felt like I could fight it off.”

“You just described denial,” Aron said, smiling at him.

Ansel clenched one of his hands into a fist.

“And you’re defensive,” Aron said. “Look at the way you’re holding your body.”

Ansel forced himself into a more relaxed position for a moment, but then found himself pissed off about it. He stood up and turned to leave.

“Hang on,” Aron said.

“I don’t want to do this.”

“What are you running from?”

Ansel sighed again and sat back down. “I don’t know,” he said. He stared at a still-life picture of a fruit basket across the wall. Aron’s idea of soothing.

Aron peered at him. “You’ve put a lot at stake because of it. You risked your health - maybe your life. You stand to inherit the throne of the Alpha King - to reign over all of the werewolf world, Ansel! And your behavior -“

“I know! You don’t have to make the point. I’m more aware than anyone that I’ve ruined my life.”

“Well, it’s not over yet,” Aron said. “But you have to figure this out to stand a fighting chance. Otherwise, you’re just going to keep blindly self-sabotaging.”

Ansel leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. “Okay,” he said. He pulled himself back up to face Aron. “It takes me back to a dark time. Being sick is a reminder of what I left behind. The hospitals, the doctors, losing my mother, losing Karin, all of it.”

“Okay, good,” Aron said. “Let’s just get one thing clear. Getting sick again isn’t going to drag you back down. You are doing that on your own. So, take care of your health, my friend.”

“Roger,” Ansel said, nodding while giving Aron a slight eye roll.

“You were feeling vulnerable again,” Aron said. “How’s your relationship with Karin?”

“Not the best.”

“What’d you do,” Aron asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Why do you assume I did anything? Why not -”

But Aron was gesturing his hand in a “give it to me,” motion.

“Fine,” Ansel said. “I… pushed her away.”

“What are you going to do about it,” Aron asked, looking down to notate.

“Nothing,” said Ansel, his jaw tensing.

“You love her,” Aron said.

“Jeff loves her. Big difference.”

Aron shuffled his notes. “Hmm. Is it, werewolf?”

Ansel gave him a full eye roll now.

“Who are you, if not Jeff? He’s not separate. He’s the werewolf version of the subconscious - the id.”

Aron kicked his feet off the desk to sit up fully. “Part of my job is to help you build ego strength, so you can negotiate between these different aspects of yourself.”

Ansel began tapping his foot restlessly.

“And though you want to deny him,” Aron continued, “You’ve certainly been all id the last few days while you’ve struggled to control your temper.”

“You know I hate psychobabble,” Ansel said.

“Okay then.” Aron leaned in to emphasize it. “You are Jeff, Ansel. What he wants is what you deeply want.”

“Let’s back-up,” Ansel said. “I’m supposed to follow that instinct, to be with Karin, but temper the rest. How does that make sense?”

“Do I really have to explain the difference between love and hatred, or love and anger? If it’s destructive, keep him in check. If it’s rainbows and hearts, then kick up your heels and go with it!”

Ansel felt his stomach knot. He shook his head. “I can’t go through it again. Losing her.”

“What makes you sure you will?”

“Getting sick was all the reminder I needed, but I even relieved her rejection in a dream a few nights ago. She doesn’t know, but my health hit a rock bottom after that. I was so bad that they didn’t think I’d pull through. I guess all the stress… I don’t know.” Ansel shrugged in an attempt to seem nonchalant.

“Ohhh,” Aron said. “That’s when you were placed on the vent.”

Ansel nodded. “Yeah. Great memories. I was depressed and basically ceased to function, and then my lungs decided to stop working too.”

“That’s a terrifying thing to face, especially so young.”

“That’s not what I’m scared of, Aron.”

Aron smiled. “First of all, I”m proud of you for saying the ‘s’ word out loud. Second of all, I know she told you that she left because she couldn’t handle the ups and downs with your recurrent illness -“

“Yeah,” Ansel interrupted. “She did.” His body felt heavy with emotion.

“But,” Aron said. “We’ve already worked on this. She was young. And she’s good for you, Ansel.”

Ansel coughed and took a ragged breath. “I don’t know if I can trust her.”

Aron scratched his chin. “You’re more courageous than anyone I’ve ever met. I think you’re going to take the risk.” His eyes twinkled.

“I’m stubborn, too,” said Ansel. “And I’m not ready to bow down to fate.”

“I’m sure you’ll give it a hell of a fight,” Aron said, setting his pen down. “But do me a favor, and just clear the air a little. Talk to her about some of this before I see you again?”

Ansel pursed his lips. “We’ll see.”

Aron sighed. “Job security, I guess.”

Ansel got up and, without looking, tossed Aron the brown paper bag he’d carried in with him.

Aron opened the bag as he walked out the door. “Grapes!” He called after Ansel. “This makes me slightly less frustrated with you!”

Ansel mulled it over on the drive home. He was going to talk to her and then he’d see where that led. Surprisingly, making that decision left him feeling lighter than he had in days.

“Hello sir,” Charles said, opening the door for him.

Ansel paused and met his eyes. “I’m sorry, Charles, for my behavior yesterday… the last few days, actually.”

Charles blushed. “Oh, well, it’s quite alright, sir.”

Charles looked misty-eyed, and suddenly, Ansel didn’t know if he’d ever felt more ashamed. He realized, with great remorse, that he had more apologies to make.

Shit. I really have loused things up.

“Have you seen Karin,” Ansel asked.

“Last I saw her, she wanted a cleaning cloth to dust your mother’s old piano. I suppose she’s still there,” Charles said.

“Thanks.”

Ansel walked through the corridor with a little extra spring in his step. Even if everything else was crumbling, maybe he could set this right. He smiled to himself.

Ansel froze when he got near the door, sniffing the air. That smell again. Jeff stood on high-alert, ready for a fight.

Ansel opened the door. His heart stopped.

Karin was kissing another man.