Chapter 69

Neither Ada nor I recognize his smell. In a second’s passing, I’ve tagged Ada in. She growls and launches herself at the man, sending him tumbling onto his back. She’s standing on his chest and then she freezes.

“It’s me! Karin, it’s me.”

Ethan.

I shift back, shaking my head, pulling my body off of his.

He stands and pulls a hand through his tousled hair, and then smooths the clothes I’ve helped dishevel.

“Ethan,” I say. “What in heaven’s name?” Then I say the second thing that’s bothering me - and Ada. “You don’t smell right.”

Ethan pulls a sachet of dried twigs out of his pocket. “Little gift from a witchdoctor who owes me. It’s a disguise.”

Ethan swallows and then he rushes towards me. “Karin, I’ve been worried about you. Especially after everything that’s come out in the news, but even before. Prince Ansel severed our connection. I haven’t been able to check on you.”

He puts his arms on my shoulders. “I shouldn’t have given you the ring. I’m well-aware of his reputation. I knew he must have found it. I put you in danger and I’m so sorry.”

I pull away. “Ethan, he did find it, but I haven’t been in danger. He’s not what you think.”

“Karin.” Ethan takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “You’re the definition of Stockholm syndrome. I - “

I feel my cheeks go red hot. My entire body tenses. “How dare you! There’s a lot more going on that you don’t - that you couldn’t know!”

“I know that he’s violent and aggressive. I know that he’s been holding you against your will so that you can produce an heir for him -“

“I signed the contract, too,” I say. “I agreed to stay.”

“So you can help your father,” Ethan says. “He has the money. If he cares about you, why doesn’t he just pay to get your father out?”

“I - I - I don’t know,” I stammer. Suddenly, I feel so stupid. The room starts to spin.

“You see?” Ethan’s face is lined with sadness.

I take a moment to process. I sit down on the piano bench. My head is muddled and I try to search for the right puzzle pieces, so that everything will fit back into place. Ethan’s right. Why hasn’t he just paid my father’s debts? The money would be nothing for him. That seems to say everything about what I actually mean to him.

“And you’re a beautifully talented ballerina,” Ethan says. “Have you forgotten?”

“No, I haven’t forgotten,” I snap at him. “Life threw some curveballs. I’ve been trying to drag myself out of it. My father -“

“Exactly,” Ethan says. “Karin, you thought this was your only chance, but it’s not. Do you understand? I said I’ll help you, and I will. I don’t have excessive wealth, but I have some connections, and I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Ethan, I don’t know.” I look into Ethan’s warm eyes. “I believe you, but I…”

“You don’t have to believe me,” he says. “Believe in you. You’re better than this! I don’t have the lived experience, but I can tell you medically at least, that pregnancy and childbirth are not just a walk in the park. Just because women do it everyday shouldn’t trivialize it. The body goes through a lot and women still die or experience other tolls. It’s a physical and emotional sacrifice to bring life into the world.”

I lace my fingers together. My eyes begin to fill with tears.

“I have to be honest, I’ve tried to calculate that, measure that, and prepare for it, but only a little. I haven’t really wanted to think it through. I just knew I’d found an answer to help Dad, and then I - Ethan, I do have feelings for him.”

Ethan sits down on the bench with me.

“If you - no - even if you hated him, and you still chose to have a child for him to free your father and free yourself financially - that’s okay, if that’s your choice. But I feel like your choice was - I feel like you’re being exploited. He’s a wealthy heir to the throne and you’re -“

“At the bottom rung of society?”

“No, I don’t mean that. But there’s an inequality. Do what makes you happy or sets you free, but I don’t see how this does either. Not really.”

Ethan stands back up. “And how much can he love you, to keep you on the hook like this? You are supremely talented, Karin. You’re world-class.” His voice rises in anger. “You should be doing what you love. You’re not chattel to breed with!”

I bend down and put my head in my hands. I know he’s right. FUCK. He’s right!

Ada begins to stir. I don’t know what she has to say - if it’s to argue or to comfort me. I don’t care either way. I feel as betrayed by her, as I feel misled and used by Ansel.

“I’m sorry,” Ethan says. I look up at him. He hesitates and then he pulls me into a hug. His arms are warm. His embrace is soft and gentle in a way Ansel’s never been. I feel conflicted. The difference in him makes me long for Ansel - feel almost homesick for him.

I pull myself away. “Ethan,” I say. “You’re so kind to care for me, and it’s helped to hear an honest outsider’s opinion and not just the echo chamber around here.” I wipe away the tears off my face. “And you’ve risked a great deal in coming here.”

Ethan’s face is grim. He knows that better than me, it seems.

“But what good does running away into the arms of another man do? I have to figure this out myself. I have to stand on my own.”

“You’re wrong,” he says. “You don’t have to be alone in this. You shouldn’t - no one should be alone in something like this.”

“But you have feelings for me that I don’t know if I share.”

“I know,” Ethan says, stuffing his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

“You proposed marriage to me! You’ve admired me from afar for so long, and you don’t know who I truly am.”

“I know more than you can probably appreciate, Karin. The healing I’m able to do, that energy does go both ways, and I felt you - your energy. I don’t really have the words to express it, but I know your spirit.”

I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how to fully absorb that confession. We’re both looking into each other’s eyes. His are earnest, but also hungry.

“But I’m still where I’m at,” I say. I see his eyes filling up with sadness. I take his hand and I feel electricity spark through us. I blink. Ethan’s still watching me. There really is something there, or there could be, if I could let it bloom.

“Karin,” he says, taking my other hand, so that we’re standing even closer. We shut our eyes.

He lets his lips brush against mine and I feel pinpricks of desire. Then he presses his forehead to mine. “Runaway with me. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be. If you don’t love me, I’ll go, but let me help you first.”

I’m finding myself nodding, as though a deep part of me knows this is the answer. Softly, he kisses my temple, and then he meets my lips. My knees go weak, and without even thinking about it, I’m kissing him back.

My heart’s pounding in my chest, and Ada is pacing, growling, clawing at me. I exert my will and shove her down. I’m done listening to her. I go on kissing Ethan, letting him kiss me, but my heart’s also breaking. I try to force that away, too - those emotions belong to Ada - but then I feel tears running down my cheeks.

Ethan pulls away. He looks at my tear-covered face with such sadness. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’ll leave…” He stands still for a few moments. “But don’t stay trapped here, no matter what,” he says. His expression is intense, begging. “Please, promise me, Karin?”

I don’t know how yet, but I will.

“I promise.”

Ethan nods. Then he lowers his head. He turns to climb back out the window, but then he lingers for a moment.

“Could I kiss you goodbye?”

Inside me, Ada is panicking. She’s thrashing, like a wild bird beating its wings against a cage, trying to stop me. She fills my mind with images of Ansel. It’s so vivid, I can almost smell him.

No.

And in that moment, I mean to crush her.

I’m done, Ada. Done with you. Done with Ansel.

Ethan begins to leave, thinking my pause was his answer. “Bye, Karin,” he says.

“Wait!” I go to him and press my lips to his. We kiss slowly and sweetly in the sunbeams floating from the glowing light of the window. For just a moment, no one, and nothing else exists.