Chapter 146

Amber’s POV

Julian’s words broke my heart. I didn’t really know what it was like to have a mother, so I could only imagine the pain of having one for so long just to lose her. I thought of my daughter, even in the future as an adult, trying to cope with the cope of my loss.

Julian kept a steady gaze, looking at me, his face blanker than usual. I knew the medicine was to blame for some of it, but I thought the rest might be a kind of shock that could only come from trying to process bad news.

“I don’t know how long I will be gone,” he said, and I understood. For some, dying took a short amount of time. For others, it stretched out too long. Depending on the cause, the time frame would be different, if it could even be pinned down at all.

“I wish I could come with you,” I told him. I gave a thought or two to how that would work. “But we’re in a critical state right now with the clinics. I think we almost have the overcrowding under control. If I leave now, I’m afraid it will backslide and we will lose all of our progress.”

“I’m sorry I have to go,” he said. “I thought about staying. If it was anyone but my mother, maybe I would. But with her…”

“You need to be there,” I said. “I’m just sorry I can’t be with you.”

We looked at each other, trapped in an impasse of sadness.

Between us, I could feel a sort of longing… I missed him, even though he was still sitting in the chair across the table from me.

“How are we going to tell Alice?” I asked.

He ran a hand down his face, showing the most emotion I’d seen out of him in two full days. “I genuinely have no idea.”

After some discussion, we decided that the best way to handle it was simply to tell her flat out, and then help her deal with it in her own way.

I went to her tutor’s and picked her up. In the car, she told me all about her day. It had been a good one, and she’d gotten a gold star on her reading worksheet. She was excited about the star and to show Julian the drawing she had made at the end of the day of the two of them riding an elephant.

“And the baby is there, too!” she said, showing me the drawing at a stoplight.

My heart broke for her already even before she knew.

When we arrived back at the hotel, Julian was setting the table. He’d ordered Alice’s favorite meal from her favorite restaurant in town, likely to try to soften the blow.

Alice ran right up to him to show him her sticker and her drawing.

“That’s wonderful, Alice,” Julian said, nodding approvingly at her sticker. Then he smiled at her drawing. The smile was forced, I knew the difference, but again I didn’t know if it was the pills or the weight of what he was facing that was holding back his emotions. “I love it. The elephants from the zoo?”

“Yeah!” Alice seemed so proud of her drawing now that her father knew right away what it was.

“Can I have this?” Julian asked.

“Okay!” Alice seemed even prouder now.

Julian smiled down at the picture, then set it aside on the table.

“Alice. Sit down a minute. There’s something I need to talk to you about. Something serious,” Julian said, and gestured to one of the chairs for Alice to sit down.

Obediently, Alice sat down. Julian sat beside her, turned on his chair so he was facing her. I sat on the chair at the other side of her, ready to offer comfort if she needed it.

Julian swallowed, then, keeping his face blank, he told Alice, “I’m sorry, honey. But I have to go back to my pack for a few days. My mom is very sick and she needs me.”

As Alice blinked, all the good mood drained from her face, right alongside the color. She looked at Julian with large doe eyes, quickly filling with tears.

“You’re leaving?”

“I’m sorry,” Julian said. “I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have to. But my mom needs me.”

“B-but I need you,” Alice said. “What about me?”

Instinctively, I inched closer to her. Yet when I tried to touch her back, she slunk away from me, not wanting to be touched. It hurt, but I kept my hand on the back of her chair instead.

“You have your mom here,” Julian said. His face was still blank. “And your uncle Rafael is nearby…”

Tears fell from Alice’s eyes. “You don’t even care!”

“I do,” Julian insisted, but I could see Alice’s confusion. With how very emotionless Julian was acting, it truly did seem like he was indifferent to leaving us. I knew it wasn’t true and that this was both shock and the medicine’s interference, but Alice didn’t know that.

She was far too young and innocent to understand.

“You don’t care at all!!!” Alice shouted. She jumped from her chair. “You hate me!”

“Alice,” I said, trying to calm her.

“I love you,” Julian said.

“You don’t act like it! And now you are leaving!” Tears in her eyes, she reached for her drawing and tore it straight down the middle. Immediately after, she looked at both halves in horror, as if realizing what she’d done. Dropping the paper, she clutched her necklace with both hands, turned, and fled into her bedroom.

I hurried after her, only to find that she locked the door.

“Alice, please. It’s Mom. Open the door.”

“Go away!” Alice sobbed through the door.

Behind me, Julian picked up the two halves of paper that once made up a full drawing and gently held them together.

“Julian…” I had no idea how to comfort him either.

“It’s fine,” he said, but I didn’t think that was true.

Holding the drawing, he walked into his bedroom.

The table was set. The dinner was warming on top of the stove. But no one was going to eat it.

Not tonight.

Moving toward it, I did the only thing I felt like I could do at this moment.

Put away leftovers.

Julian’s POV

In my hotel bedroom, I carefully laid the two halves of Alice’s drawing in my suitcase. When I made it back to my pack, I’d tape it and laminate it to preserve it forever.

Then, I walked into the bathroom, grabbed my pills off the counter by the sink, and unceremoniously upended the entire bottle into the toilet.

Flushing, I watched the tiny cylinders circle the drain before disappearing out of sight.

The next morning, Amber and Alice went with me to the airport, but Alice must have been coaxed by her mother. She wouldn’t look at me at all, not even as I told her, “I love you, Alice. I will be back soon.”

I would have said the same to Amber, but words failed me when I stood before her.

I wanted to hug her, but she held out her hand for a handshake at the same moment. It was an awkward moment, I would have rather had a hug, but I accepted the handshake and the soft, “Goodbye.”

On the plane, without the pills, I felt as the bond between my mate, child, and me stretched farther and farther. Yet it didn’t break. I would never let it.

But the distance still weighed on me heavily.

Even so, I wouldn’t change it. I was never going to take that medicine ever again.